Taking control of a fear.

   Anyone who knows me at all knows I have a terrible fear of the dentist.  It's stupid.  I can't even get my teeth cleaned without debilitating fear.  I'm not proud of it, but I can't hide from it either, so I don't try to.  And sometimes it makes for a good story later on. 

 

   My Mom says I had a scary dentist when I was very small.  And from then on I was doomed.  I don't remember that, but it makes sense. 

   I had braces when I was in first grade.  Seriously, I lost my four front teeth with the braces on them (the tooth fairy let me keep one and I still have it).  But I don't remember the braces being traumatizing.  I was the only kid in Pitts Elementary who had them.   Full head gear and all!  It was cool.  At least that is how I remember it now.   

 

   When I was twelve I wrecked on my bike a broke my front two teeth.  I ended up with crowns on those teeth, but they were "temporary" and I was to get them replaced when my teeth had stopped growing.  Just after I graduated high school I did go to get them replaced.  And the dentist, Dr. P. couldn't drill them down to put new ones on.  I could feel it no matter how much he numbed me up - and he numbed be up enough that my face was drooping like a basset hound!  So, in tears, the dentist called my dad to say I needed to see an endodontist for a root canal.  The endodontist didn't even bother to numb me.  They just drilled in and numbed the nerve directly.  OUCH!  I just had one tooth done.  They put on a temporary crown that looked ridiculous and felt like plastic and gave me a lisp. 

   From there I went on vacation to see my Aunt and Uncle in Atlanta.  And what should have been a fabulous trip for me got ruined by my other broken tooth beginning to hurt.   We did some really fun things in Atlanta, (Stone Mountain, Coke Museum, Hooters, the biggest mall I've ever been in!), but my main memory is being afraid to go back to the endodontist and taking Tylenol and Advil to try to make the pain stop.  That sucks.  I was a terrible guest I'm sure. 

   I did get the other root canal, and I got the permanent crowns and all was great for a long time. 

Then I got married, got a job and moved away.  How do you find a new dentist when you are ME?  The town we lived in was remote and small, there weren't a lot of choices in dentists.  I went to a local one and on the way out he handed me my records file and told me not to come back to him.  I wasn't likely to anyway, the day after I got one filling there I had bruises on my cheek in the shape of fingers. 

   On a scheduled trip *home* I made an appointment at the office I grew up going to.  The one where the Dr P. called my dad so sad because he couldn't fix me.  When I arrived at the office, I found out that Dr. P, had sold the practice and gone back to school to be an endodontist.  He'd told my mom that I was the catalyst for that.  The good news is that the new guys had my file (and small worldsville, I knew his family from when I was younger) and he knew my history.   He was gentle and kind and understanding.

   A while ago (seems like yesterday) I had some cracked teeth that ended up needing root canals.  The endodontist I went to was Dr. P.  And he remembered me.  And he was kind and gentle and he gave me good drugs.  :)  I saw him again for another tooth a year after that.

 

   I told you all of this so I could tell you about my next goal.  I can barely make a dentist appointment by myself.  I can barely pick up the phone to call and schedule a simple cleaning.  And I have some fillings that need to be replaced and some new ones to get.  I have known this for a while.  And still I don't call to make the appointment.  I **know** that it only gets worse when I wait.  Knowing doesn't help me act on it though. 

   I have let this control me for too long.  Over the next few months I plan to get all that work done.  I plan to get my teeth cleaned, and filled, and refilled.  And possible get another broken crown replaced.  I have to take control of this part of my life.  Being afraid has only made things worse for me.  I couldn't bring myself to pick up the phone and call for an appointment.  But I sent the dentist an email.  They will call me (they text me all the time to tell me to call and schedule a cleaning.  They can call me), and I will answer.   I hope there is enough Xanex in North Idaho for all of this.

Meatball cannon and glasses

 

   Repete suddenly stopped enjoying reading.  He used to stay up for awhile after I tucked him and read his books about snakes, or dinosaurs, or bugs and creepy crawlies.  Seriously, the kid has a bunch of books, but the ones he reads the most are those 3 in particular.  He stopped taking the books to bed with him. 

   He has always suffered from occasional headaches.  We have it narrowed down to days he is super active, dehydrated, and over tired, usually.  But he has been complaining often about a different kind of headache, right when I pick him up after school. 

   Then he started to tell me that his "eyes are blurry".  When he told me this I suspected that he had a friend who just got glasses and he wants some too.  Then I watched him rubbing his eyes at Aikido. 

   So I made the appointment for an eye exam.  I thought that the doctor would use all the fancy (and a little scary) equipment in the office and tell Repete that he had great vision and we could avoid glasses for a while. 

   That was not the case.  He looked in his eyes with the light and told me that he was far sighted.  Now we just had to figure out *how* far sighted.  He could see it just by looking that Repete had a problem.  He dilated his eyes and used all equipment that he had in his office, I swear. (Except for the "meatball cannon", something that looked like a cannon just the right size to shoot meatballs.  Repete decided that must be what it was for).  He told me that the headaches that Repete gets are from eye strain.  He told me that he can not focus on the books.  His eyes try to focus in front of the book, to make up for being able to see far away, but not near.  And it then clicked.  That is why he quit reading.  Whether he knew the reason or not.

   Repete now gets to wear glasses for reading.  His headaches have diminished (minus the migraine he had early this month).  He doesn't have to wear them all the time, so I get to worry less about them getting broken on the playground and more about him losing them when they aren't on his face.

He tried on dozens of frames to find the right ones. 

I think he looks very handsome.  What do you think?

 

Handsome Repete.  Not nerdy at all.  Ahem.

Pete got his eyes checked as well.  I have suspected that he is near sighted for a while now.  The doctor told us that he is near sighted in each eye.  But when they work together he has 20/20 vision.  How does that happen?  Regardless, he is glasses free for a while still.  Which is a relief to me.  I don't want them to have to wear them at all, so the longer we can put it off the better.

 

 

And we asked about the meatball cannon.  It turns out it doesn't shoot meatballs after all.  Although the doctor said he now wishes he *had* a meatball cannon.  It was the old projector that they used to use to put the giant E on the wall.  They do it with a laptop now.  Repete's evaluation of it was far more interesting. 

No good time for bad news

One of my childhood friends was diagnosed with a very aggressive cancer this week.  I haven't seen Paula in many years, but we message each other on facebook occasionally (what a great tool facebook has been for me).  And she is still in close contact with Shanna, another childhood friend, who I *do* see quite often, so I get updates on her and her family once in a while. 

Yesterday I saw people expressing sympathy and sending prayers to her on facebook.  It only took a few minutes to find the reason.  And it floored me.  She is a strong, outgoing, vibrant person and she just found out she has a devastating disease.  Her husband writes that she has a positive outlook on the battle she is just beginning to fight.  I know that positivity is part of winning the war.  It scares the heck out of me that this is a battle that is rarely won.   She had surgery yesterday to remove as much of a tumor as they could and she starts chemo right away. 

Paula, I'm sending every positive vibe I have your way.  Win this battle! 

One little thing I have learned about time

Time flies whether you are having fun or not.  I have a Mary E print that says that.  It has a kid hanging from the hands of a clock that has wings.   And it's true.  Time just goes by fast.  It's hard sometimes to slow down and watch what is going on around you.  One minute your world looks like one thing and the next it looks like something else and you have to stop to remember how those changes happened. 
There are things that need to be done every day.  Chores to do.  Activities to get to.  A list of "must-do's" that need to get done before the list of "want-to's".  The want-to's are the fun stuff that include hobbies, entertainment, and often exercise, which I do realize should be a must-do,  These things get put off and off and off because the must-do's take up so much time.  Recently I have realized that the list of "want to's" is *part* of the list of "must do's".  If you aren't doing the things that you want to do there is very little to be happy about.  So I have been much more diligent in making time for the things I want to do.  And you know what?  The must-do list still gets done.  And even though the time is passing by so fast, I now have the opportunities to take moments and slow it down to enjoy it.  I think it will always be a battle to remember to stop and watch.  But it's a battle worth fighting.